Here I lay down finally spilling down tears again, where I’ve been spending my last days except for yesterday when I had a nice talk… In that talk I did spoil some words about you and your fail of plans to explain the people how much you don’t need them, a bit pathetic isn’t it?

How could you go and leave the children behind?
How could you go and leave your lovely wife behind?
I thought you loved her.

You’ve disappointed the ones that supported you for so long, the ones I call my family and even when you’ve known them in your 54 years of life you see them as strangers.
What I hate the most is the way you screwed all my plans of living, you and that girl I spent a year with produced my shyness, my sadness and to end it all you killed my security feeling, do you have any idea of how would that feel? and even if your answer is a big failed yes I still wouldn’t recognize you do since you’re the one who never had problems in your life, you’re the one that doesn’t love anybody while I still do love you.

I remember the smell of tobacco in your hands I guess it’s your fault I’m smoking. I missed everything about you for far too long like when you always were standing beside me watching t.v. when my mom used to buy our weekly supplies at the market. That long beard you used to have was the one that harassed my cheeks everytime I kissed you. I’ve been wondering why you changed so much or probably I was the one to have eyes wide open. When I had my first girlfriend you weren’t there to advice me, you weren’t there to prevent me from taking her to watch Terminator 3 so she wouldn’t get bored. You weren’t there when she broke up with me because I was way too moronic. You were never there when I wanted a friend and an advicer. You barely listen to me now that I’m grown up, you must think I’m mature now but fragility has both my arms stamped to the wall stopping me from doing it all.

Nowadays I’m still the same, the same old kid that loved his father a whole bunch, yesterday I saw a kid going out of starbucks with his father like we used to, it broke my heart and still I was able to hold my tears and feelings. I can’t cry you my tears and thoughts because it’ll never matter. Soon it’ll be christmas and it’ll be another fucked up one, you fucked everything I wanted to do. I wanted to go visit aunt Rossana Luccia and my uncle George but you don’t want to because they told you the truth. Actually you were the one to stab them in their very backs.

I don’t have words actually; I never have the right words to tear you out. Of course, today I got broken when I saw that grin in my granny. How can you disappoint her? She’s been nothing but true to us, she’s been that traditional granny that loves her grandsons and you, you’re his own son I shall make you remember it.

I’m worried about spending this lonely christmas with you, I’m worried about letting down my mom this christmas. God, I’m broken.

P.S. In one book there was a question. “What would you like to have in your life?” My sister wrote: “I cry every night because my father doesn’t care about me.”

These words are making me cry right now. Thanks Dad.

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